Greeness Envy

Greeness Envy: a feeling of inferiority because someone else is "greener" than you (ie. drives a hybrid, grows their own vegetables, knits scarves from the hair in their shower drain, "You're not going to throw that away are you?").  

I've observed a terrible phenomenon.  Normal people everywhere are going green.  And, I don't mean green like, "just doing my part for the environment," green.  But green green.  Green with envy, green.  You know the type.  The "I'm greener than you and anyone you know," type of green.  Perhaps you even know one of them personally; they are discernable by the dumb, contradictory things they say and do in the name of saving the environment. 

It's the person with the organic ketchup in their fridge that makes sure you and everyone else knows it ("Oh," said person sighs with disdain, "You still use Heinz?  The pesticides they use on their tomatoes could kill a third world country's entire population.  I only use Fresh Earth ketchup.  It's organic.").  The one who frowns when you say you didn't breast feed your baby ("I breastfed my daughter for three years and her IQ scores are off the chart.").  Or, the one who, when you tell them you're feeding your child organic baby food (because you're afraid if you tell them you're feeding Gerber that you'll be arrested for child abuse) frowns and then asks if you're making your organic baby food (because they did).  You know the one.

It's the person that has "organic" sunscreen for their baby but doesn't know that babies aren't supposed to wear sunscreen for at least six months.  The one that has chlorine free disposable diapers (they'll sit in the landfill for eternity but they won't leech chlorine into the groundwater).  Or, it's the mom that pumps her breastmilk and puts it into the Born Free glass bottles (because everyone else does) and yet, to warm the milk, puts the bottle under a stream of hot water for fifteen minutes (Really?  You're going to let the water run for fifteen minutes?).  "Do you want me to put that in a pot of hot water on the stove for you?" I ask, stupidly.  Frown.  "No.  Electric ovens waste so much energy," the reply.  

I know people who are, like, beyond psycho with all of their efforts to save the environment and, yet, when it came time to buy a new car for their family of four, they bought an SUV, for ten thousand more than a coveted Prius.  This is the same couple that rid their home of its microwave (too toxic and zaps all of the nutrients from their frozen, organic vegetables, anyway), that banned all teflon pots and pans (they have allergies to the toxins that are released when the pots are heated), and refuse to vaccinate their kids.  They do, however, get shitty drunk every weekend on organic wine and beer.  Just doing their part for the environment, I guess.

Oh, and lastly, there's the dinner guest who asks me where I bought my orange roughy, and did I know that orange roughy is the least sustainable fish in the ocean.  Point well taken, but it's already been fished, packaged, and put in the freezer at Sam's club so I'm pretty sure I won't be saving any fish by leaving it there.  How about, "Wow, this fish is really good.  Thanks for having us over."  Save the statistics on unsustainable seafood for your You Tube documentary.